When I was heavily into Tinder use and trying to pick up girls at bars or any pubic setting — seeing and talking to multiple girls at a time — I was judged for being “that guy” who seemingly had a new girl to talk about every day. I was judged for being “that guy” who was seemingly only out for physical gratification (which, for the most part, I was). It was looked at as disgusting.
When I fell for someone and had no interest in being on dating applications or talking to anyone else, I was judged for letting one girl play such a prominent role in my thoughts throughout the day. She wasn’t into me the way I was with her, and I was pegged as someone so “desperate for love” that he couldn’t see what was so abundantly clear to everyone else. I was told to stop focusing on one girl and “play the field.”
When I’m into a girl, I try to see beyond the next day with her. Can I see myself with her next week? Next month? Next year? Somewhat long-term? That’s just how I’m wired. I don’t have a day-to-day mindset when it comes to women.
When I felt comfortable to start dating again and kept meeting a slew of girls who were either flaky, inconsiderate, disinterested, didn’t particularly pique my interest or were any combination of the aforementioned, the reason given was that, “girls on dating applications and in bars are only looking to hook-up.” (This was told to me by a girl, no less.) I was told that “the girl I’m looking for” won’t be on Tinder, or Bumble, or in a bar.
What confused me was, if I was on Tinder, Bumble, and in a bar, and I was looking for something serious (even if I wasn’t at that particular moment or with that particular girl), why couldn’t there be a girl out there doing the same? My argument was that you can’t say the only people on dating applications and in bars are those looking for one-night stands when I was on dating applications and in bars and open to finding something serious.
(Let’s completely ignore that there are “players” who intentionally go to libraries, coffee shops, etc. to meet “nice girls” and ultimately trick them for their own figurative and literal pleasure.)
The takeaway from these conversations — and particularly the last one — was to forget what other people think about your intentions. If you know what you want or what you’re looking for, nobody can tell you otherwise. What works for someone else might not work for you, and vice versa.
Related: There Is No One Right Way To Be In Love
I could very well meet my future wife while on line at Starbucks tomorrow. I could also meet her at a bar this weekend. I could also meet her on Tinder or Bumble if I ever download them again. Also, just because a girl is someone you met at a library or coffee shop, someone you met through a mutual friend, or someone you bumped into anywhere else, that doesn’t mean she’s a “good girl” looking to settle down.
I understand that I write, talk, and think about love and relationships more than any guy in my town combined, probably, but that’s who I am. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not a defect, it’s not even abnormal. That’s the person I am.
If you’re passionate about cars, nobody says there’s anything wrong with you for talking about engines, customizations, and car slang. I don’t know why it’s different when the passion is something that is not a physical object, like love is.
Yes, I would prefer to be in a committed relationship with one person than to have a plethora of women at my disposal for a night out. Maybe that’s cause for my man card to be revoked, but that’s how it is. That doesn’t mean, however, that I am forcing the issue with every single girl who comes into my life.
It’s funny how the two sides of the coin are painted for men: If you want a relationship, you’re in a rush to the altar; but if you aren’t looking for anything serious, you’re a “typical guy” who can’t commit to anything.
People are going to judge you regardless, so do you.
